I'm sitting in my bed, crying as I write this.  I'm crying because it hurts so much.  I'm always surprised by how much I can still miss you after all of this time.  Sometimes it's the moon that makes me tear up.  Other times, like tonight, a million small things have happened that have led to this moment.  I don't remember what any of those small things were.  One minute I was writing a paper, and the next I was searching your obituary.  And then your page on the funeral parlor's website.  And then your grave.  Did you know you can do that?  Look up a gravestone?  No one has taken a picture of yours, but the first four numbers to find it are 1211.  My birthday is 12-11.  I won't forget that.

Then I'm googling the driving distance because I almost wish I could pack up the dog and drive to see you tonight.  Like seeing your gravestone will settle some of this unease.  But you're five hours away and I work in the morning.  And there's always something that comes up.  Always something that takes priority.  That's the hard thing about living.  No matter how heavy our ghosts are, we have to keep moving.

29 Before 30 March Update

Miraculously, it hasn't been two years since my last post...only two months!  Progress!  I figured I'd pop back on the blog today with a very simple goals update.  No pressure on me for coming up with anything marvelous and earth-shattering.

  1. Read 200 books- As of today, I have read 33 books which, according to my Goodreads, is 3 behind schedule.  Still.  33 books is almost half of what I read last year!  This year I'm listening to audiobooks like crazy and counting all the read alouds I do for library.  Plus, when I buy new picture books for friends or the library, I'm counting those as well (if I read them). 
  2. Visit a new state- Nothing yet.  Nothing planned.
  3. Lose some weight, specifically weigh less than 160 at some point this year- I was doing really well with Whole30 in January, but I need to get focused on healthier eating and moving more.
  4. Blog at least twice monthly- Obviously this hasn't happened.
  5. Write a new short story- Nope
  6. Get my passport- Maybe this summer?
  7. Learn to crochet- Nope
  8. Take an exercise class- Tried to sign up for one with a friend back in February, but the class filled up.  This one is coming.
  9. Put up trim in dining room
  10. Paint bedroom-I know the paint color....
  11. Paint stairs- Nope
  12. Clean garage out enough so one car can park in it- This feels like a spring/summer job.  There is too much snow to do this now.
  13. Visit a winery- Again, hopefully in summer.
  14. Read four religious books- I downloaded one...haven't started it.
  15. Read four education books (not including grad school books)- I'm reading, and loving, one right now.  I'll share more when I finish.
  16. Visit Sara and Merrick (and Rob)- THIS IS HAPPENING NEXT WEEK!  Mike and I are going on my two days off from school.
  17. Visit Shannon and Jared- Hopefully this summer.  Mike hasn't ever been out to their lake place, and I think they'll be fine with us coming since they'll officially be a family of 4!
  18. Go to a concert-Nothing planned.  I'd love to road trip this summer for one.
  19. Go to church 24 times- Man...I am at 6?  So I think that means I'm on track.
  20. Do a no spend week- Nothing planned
  21. Go to a financial person and figure out savings/retirement- Nope
  22. Invest in the stock market- We opened an eTrader account....
  23. Go to a Twins game- Season hasn't started yet
  24. Go to a play- Nothing yet
  25. Playmate for Crookston- Not for want of trying
  26. Have an epic garage sale at parents- Summer
  27. Try something new to Mike and me- Man...I think that we probably have, but I'm not sure
  28. Build products for TPT (list 5 new items)- I've worked on things, but have lost steam
  29. Do 30 days of something- Nothing done or planned